Good morning, my name is Sandy Holloway and I am a cancelled parent.

Devastating doesn't begin to describe the hole in my heart. I really don't have an adjective to describe the chasm I felt in my heart over the loss of my child, spouse and my precious grandchildren. I would love to have a healthy relationship with them but sadly, I really haven't had a relationship with them for over 5 years and on April 29th 2021 I was cancelled.

I kept asking all the relentless questions - why?- what did I do? - what did I say? - how could this be happening after all the love I had given and shown to them???? I couldn't come up with the answers that would cause being removed from their lives completely.

But the answers to all my questions that may never be answered this side of heaven, all fall under, FORGIVENESS FORGIVENESS FORGIVENESS.

It was and is too easy to keep my focus on me and my wounds, my hurts. Exactly what satan thrives on. Using my hurt to keep me separated from Jesus. I went through depression and finally despair before I hit rock bottom. I was finally broken and had no more questions, really no more anything. I felt like I could barely breath. Which is exactly where Jesus knew I had to get before He could help me find my way back to asking Him for what I needed, not what I wanted. Forgiveness, was my only solution out of my pit. I needed to forgive PERIOD! I needed to acknowledge my own sin, my own rejection of the Lord before becoming a believer and realize the amazing gift I had been given through the Lord's forgiveness of me and all my sin. I had to completely forgive my child and spouse period! Jesus allowed me to begin to see them through His eyes, with love and compassion. What must they be believing to want to cancel me. I had to begin to see their need for Jesus and let go of their deed of rejection of me out of their lives. I repeated all day long, every day Philippians 4:13: "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Only with Jesus leading me is this possible.

As long as I focused on my wounds instead of how to heal them, I was allowing satan to win and keep me separated from all that Jesus was wanting to do for me.

So all that to say, almost a year ago to the day God asked me to write a blog about my journey of learning the power of forgiveness through Jesus' love and what Jesus has done and is doing FOR me. My focus is on the One who loves me, JESUS, and His power in me through Holy Spirit and the power of His word to overcome through my trial and be stronger in who I am in Christ Jesus no matter what the outcome is. I now know that my wilderness has been a blessing FOR me as I choose to allow Holy Spirit to transform me into the woman God created me to be for Him. I am learning that walking with Jesus is simple. It takes me looking up and seeking and asking for what I need instead of looking out and asking for what I want.

Daily I am trying to delight myself in the Lord. Psalm 37:4 says "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will (promise) give you the desires of your heart." My desire is His will for my life and my family and only the Lord knows what His plan is. My trust in the Lord is growing everyday.

This has been the hardest trial I have ever had to endure. These words from Billy Graham have given me hope through my endurance. "Those who submit to the will of God do not fight back at life. They learn the secret of yielding, of relinquishing and abandoning their own lives and will to Christ. And then He gives back to them a life that is far richer and fuller than anything they could ever have imagined." WOW. I want that life. So I have had to stop fighting the reality of my life, that my child does not want me in their life nor my grandchildren's lives and begin to yield, relinquish and abandon what I want for what God's will is for me. I often read the story of Joseph in Genesis 37-50. Joseph's brothers sold him out of the family into slavery. Genesis 50:20 Joseph tells his brothers 17 years later in love, "You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives." God uses the story of Joseph to remind me of His perfect plan and His perfect timing, so that I will trust Him and His perfect plan for me. God has brought me great peace through Joseph's testimony of his faith and trust in the Lord.

Please go to God's word for peace, and comfort. Cry out to the Lord and tell Him everything you are feeling. Jesus is always waiting to listen to you and me so He can comfort us. Psalm 86:15 says, "You, O Lord, are a God of compassion, abundant in mercy and truth." Jesus knows my suffering and yours. He died on the cross for you and me! There is no greater love than this.

Proverbs 3:5-6 says "Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to Him, and He will (promise) make your paths straight."

I am praying the Lord is comforting you today through His mighty word.

In His grip,

Sandy

"But as for me, I watch in hope for the LORD, I wait for God my Savior: my God will hear me." Micah 7:7